I Couldn't Sleep At All Last Night (Just a-Thinkin' of You)
by Alikrav
Summary: In which after a very strange and exhausting day, Amy has trouble sleeping. Set after 1x1. A look into Amy's mind the night after the assembly. Standard disclaimers apply. From the look of the previews, this will be canon-balled shortly.


_2:01 AM_

She's going to call in like… five, five and a half hours? How is it possible I can't get to sleep right now? I'm exhausted, why can't I just turn my mind off?

_2:02 AM_

When I close my eyes, I keep seeing it, over and over.

_2:03 AM_

… but when I open them, there's nothing in my room that doesn't remind me of Karma somehow.

_2:04 AM_

She's sat on every flat surface, picked up and played with everything on my shelves (usually over my whining at her to stop), read and scrawled a doodle on or done a dramatic reading of every post-it note, left her stuff in every drawer.

_2:05 AM_

She's in every part of my life.

_2:06 AM_

I guess she always was, and I bet it'd be the same for her if she ever really thought about it.

_2:07 AM_

I just never really thought about it until now.

_2:08 AM_

I never thought about any of this before.

XXX

_2:19 AM_

I keep looking over at this photo on my nightstand of me and Karma when we were four years old. It's dark in here, but it's not like I need museum lighting to remember every little detail. We're covered in mud, trying to build a sandcastle in the rain in my backyard, and just laughing our asses off.

_2:20 AM_

I love that picture.

_2:21 AM_

Right now it reminds me of this story Mom always tells from when we were that age, where I came running into the house in tears and dragged her outside because Karma had been stung by a wasp.

When Mom asked me why I was crying so much, I said "Kar-kar got a bee sting." Mom said "no, that's why _Karma's_ crying. I asked why are _you_ crying?" I told her "I'm sad because Kar-kar's sad."

_2:22 AM_

My mom loves that story.

_2:23 AM_

My mom doesn't like Karma as much as she used to.

_2:24 AM_

She's always super-politely calling attention to how much time we spend together. And she's been making that stupid joke about how we're like an old married couple more and more, and she's making less and less of an effort to hide that she doesn't think that's a good thing.

_2:25 AM_

I thought she just felt I should have other friends, maybe more academically minded friends (and it's not even like that, Karma can always get her grades up when she needs to, it's just not on her mind every second like you want)… or maybe that she wanted me to bond with my bitch-coated-in-liquid-evil step-sister.

_2:26 AM_

Maybe Mom just knew me better than I thought she did.

_2:27 AM_

Mom doesn't like me as much as she used to, either.

XXX

_2:40 AM_

The thing is, I never _could_ stand to see Karma sad, or scared, or in pain, or unhappy at all really. And when Karma was on stage at that stupid fucking assembly, about to explain… well, who the hell knows how she would have explained it, because it was like five lies too late to blame the whole thing on stupid fucking Shane… I could tell Karma was about as scared as she'd ever been. And I knew there was a lot of unhappiness coming our way.

_2:41 AM_

This wasn't one of those things people would just forget about when the next scandal broke. We'd go from "that brunette with the big sunglasses who's kinda loud and that blonde who wore overalls to that party who's always hanging around her" to "those two psycho losers who pretended to be lesbians to convince everyone to make them homecoming queens" forever. It'd follow us around for the rest of high school, maybe to college thanks to Facebook (eat my ass, Zuckerberg), be the first thing anyone brought up to us at the 20-year reunion in the unlikely event that we ended up going. Forget being popular. We'd have a two-girl dance party to celebrate the day when people finally stopped sending us anonymous hate on .

_2:42 AM_

I wouldn't care, or care much at least. I really am happy with how things are… or were. I would have been perfectly content to spend the next three years of weekends hanging out in one of our bedrooms, watching crappy HGTV and reality shows and exploring the known universe through Netflix (we still haven't seen the Bangladesh documentary, and we haven't even _started_ The Office). Just us. Easy. (Why couldn't we just have done that?)

_2:43 AM_

But Karma? Karma would have hated every second of it. She would have felt like she was missing out on something, something that apparently is a fundamental part of high school for her.

And what Karma wants, I want for her. That's how best friends work, right?

That's why I did it.

_2:44 AM_

Even though it was a stupid fucking thing to do and I never wanted any of this in the first place.

_2:45 AM_

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with figuring out a super-logical explanation for this. It's not like I did some Saved By The Bell stop-time thing and worked it all out in my head ahead of time, so what difference does it make? Karma looked scared. I made Karma not scared any more. I didn't stop to think about it, that's not what I do when Karma is scared. That's not what a best friend does.

_2:46 AM_

Really, the mistake was agreeing to being fake lesbians in the first place. It was always going to be a bad idea, why did I let Karma talk me into it?

_2:47 AM_

I'm always letting Karma talk into me into stupid things, whether it's trying to move a wasp's nest in the backyard "so that little kids don't get hurt" or going for the Steve's Ice Cream Most Cones Eaten in One Hour record or stupid high school parties or trying to sneak into the auditions for the UT ballet company… really, I'm lucky it took this long to get to something this disastrous.

_2:48 AM_

I've always been pretty lousy at saying no to Karma.

_2:49 AM_

I love Karma.

_XXX_

_3:01 AM_

There's nothing weird about loving Karma. Karma's my best friend, my sister from another mister, my…

_3:02 AM_

Not soulmate. Let's not go nuts here.

_3:03 AM_

The point is, she's my BFF! It's normal to love your BFF, you're supposed to, it doesn't _mean_ anything. You're supposed to care about her, take care of her, want to spend your time with her, share everything with her, be flirty and cute with her. Really, what's weird is that we haven't kissed before.

_3:04 AM_

Is it weird that we haven't kissed before?

_3:05 AM_

This is so stupid. I just want to sleep.

_3:06 AM_

Why can't I just sleep and forget this whole ridiculous day?

_XXX_

_3:21 AM_

I like boys. I know that.

_3:22 AM_

Just because I've never dated a boy or had a boyfriend or anything, that doesn't mean anything. Just because MTV thinks I should be a year away from "16 and Pregnant" and some of my classmates are apparently debating which orgy to go to every Friday night doesn't mean that's, like, significant. I'm only 15, and Mom's always telling me I'm a late bloomer. (Thanks, Mom.)

_3:23 AM_

And hey, Karma says that it's not _me_ that's the problem, it's that "most boys our age are just too immature to appreciate how deeply awesome you are," and that "by the time you're a senior and they've grown up a little you'll have to have, like, a Common App to pick from all the guys who want you." That sounds like such a mom thing to say, but when Karma says it I kind of believe it.

_3:24 AM_

But then, Karma's had boys want to date her before. And there's definitely no question that _Karma _likes boys.

_3:25 AM_

I'm not as boy crazy as Karma, but that doesn't make me… I mean, if everyone less boy crazy than Karma was a lesbian, straight boys would be in _big_ trouble.

_3:26 AM_

I've had crushes on boys. I've kissed boys. Not a lot of boys, but definitely multiple boys. More than one.

_3:27 AM_

And I didn't like it that much, but that was because they were little dweeby 13- and 14-year-old boys, so they were _bad kissers._ They were always so awkward, and like, chewing on my face and slobbering all over me like excited puppies.

_3:28 AM_

I thought that I'd like it a lot more if I ever kissed someone I really liked, who was a good kisser, that it was _them_ that was the problem.

_3:29 AM_

Actually, I know that for sure now.

_3:30 AM_

Not the part about kissing someone I really like. It's just that Karma's a _really _good kisser.

_3:31 AM_

Not too much tongue, not too much pressure but not too little either. Just sweet and slow and thorough (I'm not shuddering). Her lips were really, really soft (I can still feel them on mine, maybe I'm shaking a little, it was a good kiss!). Her breath was… well, peanut-buttery, which was annoying and which we'll definitely being having a conversation about at some point, but it smelled fresh, and she had this sour watermelon lip gloss that should have been awful but tasted really good.

_3:32 AM_

And she had her Karma smell, all eco-friendly perfume and overenthusiasm, and it was so familiar but so… in my entire nose and lungs and existence. She was surprised at first, but after a second her hands caught my arms and she was, like, tracing these little circles with her thumbs, and it just… it felt good, whatever.

_3:33 AM_

Her face… I bet I know Karma's face better than my own, I've spent a lot more time looking at Karma than in mirrors, but that moment I opened my eyes, the look on Karma's face…

_3:34 AM_

Looking at Karma the second after we stopped kissing felt like…

_3:35 AM_

Waking up from a dream.

Not just any dream, though. One of those dreams where I'm actually convinced I'm awake, that my eyes are open and I'm out in the world doing stuff. A dream that it's really hard to shake off because I can't accept that I'm not already up, and where I'm always confused for a minute when I do wake up because the world isn't like it was in my head and a lot of things I truly believed were real a second ago just aren't. It felt like that.

_3:36 AM_

When Karma fucking _winked_ at me, after I thought we were feeling the same thing, whatever it was… I don't think I've hurt like that since the first time Dad didn't bother to call on my birthday.

_3:37 AM_

And this time there was no Karma to make me feel better by making sure I gorged myself on cake and playing video games with me.

_3:38 AM_

It felt like someone reached into my chest and squeezed my heart until it popped like a little kid's balloon.

_3:39 AM_

She didn't feel it at all.

_3:40 AM_

I don't know what exactly it is that I'm feeling, or what I want her to feel.

_3:41 AM_

This is so stupid. Why can't I just sleep?

_XXX_

_3:53 AM_

It can't possibly be 8:53 already, can it? Oh, wait, no. Still. Fuck.

_XXX_

_3:59 AM_

What if I am a lesbian?

_4:00 AM_

What if Mom hates me?

_4:01 AM_

What if my step-father hates me?

_4:02 AM_

What if my step-father kicks me out of the house?

_4:03 AM_

What if my step-father wants to kick me out of the house, and Mom won't let him, and he leaves her, and Mom hates me for breaking up her marriage?

_4:04 AM_

I still think Mom blames me for Dad leaving sometimes.

_4:05 AM_

This is ridiculous. It was one really good kiss, and I'm freaking out like my entire life's changed all of a sudden. Get it together, Raudenfeld. You're not even a lesbian.

XXX

_4:21 AM_

Maybe Karma's just the best kisser in the world. She could be. I get it now, why people rely on lame clichés like "fireworks" and "seeing stars" to talk about a really good kiss. I don't think that anyone could actually describe the way I felt in words, the completeness, the _heat_ in it. I felt like my whole body was exploding, and I felt totally calm and natural and almost… relieved? Relieved.

It was perfect.

_4:22 AM_

She was perfect. Everything she did in that moment was perfect.

_4:23 AM_

Karma's lips.

_4:24 AM_

Karma's mouth.

_4:25 AM_

Karma's tongue.

_4:26 AM_

Karma's body shifting under my fingers.

_4:27 AM_

Karma's hands on my arms.

_4:28 AM_

Karma's hands other places.

_4:29 AM_

_Karma._

_4:30 AM_

Karma saying "whoa."

_4:31 AM_

Karma _fucking winking at me_ and saying "way to sell it!"

XXX

_4:51 AM_

What sucks, more than almost anything (well, not more than almost anything, everything about this sucks pretty hard) is that I really just want to talk to Karma about this.

_4:52 AM_

After all, this is, like, what you have a BFF for, isn't it? To be there for you when you have a crisis? Karma may be totally lost in her own drama a lot of the time, but she's always risen to the occasion when I really needed her.

_4:53 AM_

She was there when my dad left. When I embarrassed herself on national television (although again, "yo-yo routines are never going to be cool" would have been a great thing to bring up earlier). When my mom started dating this douchebag with his ugly little mustache (I don't know why he even thinks that looks good) and his Satanic Christian daughter and it became obvious it was for real.

_4:54 AM_

And she's always there for the every day stuff, too. For when I needed someone I could trust to talk about things like shaving and jobs and how to dress and school and tampons and summer camps and masturbating and how I'm scared to try new things and boys and Mom pressuring me and how uncomfortable I feel in church sometimes and… God, whatever. There's nothing I can't talk about with Karma.

_4:55 AM_

Until now. This is going to be a pretty big thing that I can't talk to Karma about.

_4:56 AM_

"Hey, you know how we're faking being lesbians? Surprise, I was faking faking it! I'm a big lesbigay, and I'm lesbigay for you!" Ha.

_4:57 AM_

"So, what do you think? I need your advice. Why are you staring at me like that?"

_4:58 AM_

"Why do you look so scared? Where are you going?"

_4:59 AM_

"Please, come back, I need you, please!"

_5:00 AM_

Come on, knock it off. This is Karma. She's my best friend. She wouldn't reject me, even if I was.

_5:01 AM_

This is so stupid. I'm not. I'm just not.

_5:02 AM_

I don't know why I can't just shut my mind off and sleep.

XXX

_5:06 AM_

I wonder if Liam liked the way Karma's sour watermelon lip gloss tasted, too.

XXX

_5:18 AM_

When we were 12, we were shopping and trying on these dresses that were way too expensive for us and giggling loud enough that the teenage clerk busily refolding clothes nearby was clearly about to lose his patience and kick us out, and I had just put on this purple heart print dress to show Karma and I remember her getting this really strange look on her face and I asked her what her damage was and she just said "nothing, you're just so beautiful."

_5:19 AM_

I remember because she was the first person who ever told me that who I really believed.

_5:20 AM_

When we were six, we were watching Spongebob together and I started telling her this really elaborate story I had come up with in my head about how Spongebob and Patrick became friends and I just stopped halfway through because I had been talking so long, and Karma asked me why I stopped talking and I told her "it's nothing, it was just stupid" and she said "but I want to hear what you have to say."

_5:21 AM_

I remember that because she's the only person who ever told me that who I really believed.

XXX

_5:28 AM_

I could be bi. I mean, that's a thing. You don't hear much about it, but it's a thing.

_5:29 AM_

And I could be bi or lesbian and _not_ in love with Karma.

_5:30 AM_

Have I ever been attracted to other girls?

_5:31 AM_

I can't keep any other girl in my head right now besides her.

_5:32 AM_

I wonder how much easier this would be if I'm gay and don't have a thing for Karma.

_5:33 AM_

I could be none of this stuff. Everything could be the same. I could just be being stupid.

_5:34 AM_

I'm so stupid all the time. I don't know anything. I didn't even know how to convince Shane that I wasn't a lesbian. Ran the hell away from him. Could have avoided this whole thing and been asleep right now.

_5:35 AM_

Six words. "Dude. Listen. Not a lesbian. Sorry."

_5:36 AM_

"Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just not."

_5:37 AM_

Why did I run away? Why did I just flee, why was that my instinct? What even was that?

_5:38 AM_

Why the hell did I let myself get put in this position? Why can't I ever stand up for myself?

_5:39 AM_

With Shane, with Mom, all the time with Karma. I could have just said no, too, insisted on finding another way to get popular, or just shouted down Shane when he first announced we were lesbians to everyone. I knew this was a bad idea from the beginning, and I just let it all happen. I'm such an idiot.

_XXX_

_5:51 AM_

No, you know what? It's not my fault. It's Lauren's. Her stupid crack about the Isle of Lesbos or whatever. She started this whole thing.

_5:52 AM_

Lauren's been calling us lesbians and dykes and referring to Karma as 'your girlfriend' since the moment they met. It's so obnoxious.

_5:53 AM_

Always that snide little "oh, going to spend another night in with _your girlfriend?_ Stuffing your face with popcorn and carpet?" "_Love_ the overalls. Are you just fashion challenged, or does Karma have a thing for farmgirls?" "I don't know how you can stand going so long without a manicure, oh, wait, do you have to check with Karma about how long your nails can get?" She's such a bigot, so hateful, so _mean_ for no reason whatsoever.

_5:54 AM_

I've never done anything to her. I don't understand why Mom can't see it, why she likes her so much.

_5:55 AM_

Really, the first time they met. 'Karma! It's so nice to meet you. I'm happy Amy found a girlfriend who's as much of a freak as she is! Clearly you're the girl in the relationship, though.'

_5:56 AM_

It reminds me of Shane, asking who went under the covers first. Creeper perv. Like that'd be something I'd talk about with a total stranger at a party even if we were.

_5:57 AM_

It's not like Lauren even really believes we're together. She… well, not outed, but she told everyone we weren't.

_5:58 AM_

Are we still mocking the gay rights movement if I'm gay?

_5:59 AM_

I have no idea why Lauren picked that out as her thing to torture me about. I never really thought about it.

_6:00 AM_

I mean, Karma makes me happy. Lauren doesn't like anything that makes me happy.

_6:01 AM_

Karma makes me really happy.

_6:02 AM_

Forget the toothbrush. Wonder how Lauren would feel about having blue hair for Homecoming. Or maybe purple.

_6:03 AM_

Plausible deniability would be the key… I'd have to say _I_ was thinking about going purple, put the dye in a bottle that _looks_ like Lauren's shampoo.

_6:04 AM_

I wonder if I'd look good with purple hair.

_6:05 AM_

I wonder if Karma would like it.

_6:06 AM_

That, at least, I can talk to Karma about.

XXX

_6:14 AM_

I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I know who I am, and it'd be fine, it'd be okay, I'm just… not.

_6:15 AM_

I can't be.

_6:16 AM_

It's not fair.

_6:17 AM_

She's my best friend.

_6:18 AM_

She's part of me.

_6:19 AM_

I don't want her like this.

_6:20 AM_

I don't want any of this.

_6:21 AM_

It's not fair.

_6:22 AM_

I'm so tired.

XXX

_7:12 AM_

"Why do you always have to call so _early?_ No, of course I wanna talk to you, but it's like 7:00 in the morning. No… no, I slept fine, Kar-Kar. Shut up, you know you love it when I call you that. Oh my god, _shut up_, I was not! Yeah… we were pretty cool back in the day, weren't we? Kinda wish we could go back to that sometimes."


End file.
